"Bitter....Party of 1"

Some people have grande cojones.

I know I'm beginning to sound as though there is some bitterness from me towards my last employer. See, that's why I allow you to read my blog; you pick up on those ambiguous references so quickly. Honestly, I don’t hate them. Hate is such a bad word. We don’t use that word at our house. We don’t use the word stupid either. (However, 'bitchslap' totally hasn’t hit the radar screen yet, so that is acceptable for the time being.)

But hate…no. Massively dislike and feel like vomiting? Yeah, that probably works.

So how can I still be complaining about Imagine, the place where I Enjoyed Myself Immensely? Well truthfully, I could probably bitch about them for years until I’m forced to eat each meal at the Old Country Buffet because my teeth will have fallen out and at that point, I’d need to only consume foods that end in the words “au gratin.”

But this week, I have a legitimate rite to put them up as today’s sacrificial lamb. In fact… they engaged me. Get this, the Preacher sent all former employees an email inviting them to become part of an alumni network to help recruit new workers. Seriously, I shit you not.

“Greetings! Though you've only been away from Imagine a brief time, you have not been forgotten! Welcome to our newly created Imagine alumni network. It is through this network that I hope to keep you aware of Imagine's growth and connect you with other Imagine alumni.”

Huh, did they not get that I chose to leave? Why would I want to stay connected? I have my friends from there; I don’t need them to help me stay in touch. Truth be told, most everyone I was friends with left or was fired allowed to seek other employment since they cut into bonus checks for the 11Y team.

(The 11Y team is a group of folks who single-handedly make all decisions for the company. With their breadth of experience of having worked at … well nowhere since college or the RNC, their knowledge about how the outside world operates is slightly realistic.)

“First, I was exploring tools to connect our extended Imagine family together. I've settled on "LinkedIn" to achieve this goal. As you may be familiar, LinkedIn is a professional network online that is used by literally millions of professionals worldwide. We've set up an Imagine alumni only section that you are invited to join at no cost. It's a pretty neat tool in that it will allow all of us to remain connected while also giving each other access to our non-Imagine contacts (with permission). I invite you to join immediately using this link:”

“allow all of us to remain connected?” Huh, like the many times they’ve called or emailed to see how I’m doing at my new job? I didn’t realize we weren’t connected. I still talk to all of my friends from Imagine. Oh yeah, you mean I haven’t called you guys? Funny, I remember my last week there and not one of you could come to say good-bye or wish me well. But then again, I was just a Director and had only been there 5 years.

“Second, you may recall the Imagine referral bonus program that we put in place for Imagine staff who recommend potential new team members that we ultimately hire. This program has now been extended to everyone and anyone.”

Seriously, who would I refer to your company? It was all I could do to manipulate my Imagine experiences in my interviews to make it sound positive. Privilege, status and elitism — that was your motto. Consumers were told that they would gain incredible experiences with our expensive products.

“Lastly, I'm sure if I were to ask you what you most miss about Imagine your answer would be…I-bulletin (well, at least it would be in your top 20 wouldn't it?). Starting in May, you'll receive from me a monthly alumni I-bulletin that will keep you updated on the latest happenings at Imagine.”

People... are you not reading my blog?

“I have heard countless times that relationships forged by working at Imagine last a lifetime. My hope is that these tools help facilitate the maintenance and nourishment of those relationships.”

Maintenance and nourishment... yeah relationships do require those. But words require actions and a simple email offering me money to serve as your reference won’t work. Anyone who knows me, can vouch I’ll prostitute myself for just about anything. However you folks couldn't pay me a dime to further your cause.

I stewed for a minute after receiving the email, much like uncovering the picture of an ex you find tucked away in your bottom drawer. It can be paralyzing as you just stare at it, uncertain of what action to take.

So I emailed him back and told him where to stick it politely asked to be removed from his list. And then, I decided to blog about it.

God love this online therapy.