Monday, October 09, 2006

Red Hot Chili Peppers

We have this amazing dinner we make with pork roast, tomatillos, green apples and peppers. Larry got it from a magazine and he's perfected it over time. It's become our signature dish. In fact, when you come over for dinner next time, we're bound to serve it to you.

One of Corey's moms knows we love peppers. Her dad has this amazing garden, so last time she came over, she brought a large variety of chili peppers; red, green and orange. Some big, some small. They looked awesome.

Yesterday afternoon, we began preparing the dish. Larry had browned the pork and was cutting the apples. I had volunteered to cut the peppers. After cutting about nine or so, I asked, "Hey, do we know how hot these are? I mean, are some hotter than others?" Larry had no idea, so he suggested I cut one and just touch it to my tongue. I grabbed a small red one and did just that.

After a few seconds, I felt the slightest tingle, like the tiniest portion of wasabi. It tickled and felt cool. "This has got a nice zing to it," I said. "Try a little on your tongue." He did.

At that point, my zing became a little hotter. I sipped my water as Larry agreed that it was a pretty spicy pepper. He began to drink as I began to winch in the slighest pain. "My lips are really hurting," I said. And with that, the pain began.

The pain became a burning sensation like no other. At first, I grabbed the Elmo ice pack in the freezer, but it didn't cover my mouth very well. A wet towel filled with ice cubes finally did the trick, but not before tears were streaming down my eyes. The pain was bigger... and so were my lips.

It was clear I was having an allergic reaction to the peppers for I had become Barbara Hershey.

It felt as though I had gone bobbing for apples in boiling oil. The burning on my lips and cheeks intensified. We knew there was only one place to turn for help: Google.

After several searches, a common recommendation was dairy products. We ran downstairs. Larry reached into the fridge for assistance.

Soy milk. "Umm, I think we're looking for more cow-oriented items," I muffled through the dripping towel. He continued looking.

"We have cream cheese," he offered, "but it's chive and onion flavored so that may be pretty gross." He turned back into the fridge again.

"How about goat cheese?" I rolled my eyes in frustration. He looked back in sympathy. "Babe, I can't help it. We're gay. We don't own basic dairy products."

I spit back into the towel in utter hysterics.

After an hour, my lips calmed down. The redness subsided and the pain went away. We put the pork dinner, minus the peppers, on hold for the night and just ate leftover lasagna.

After dinner, I began washing the dishes. As I dried my hands, they began to itch and burn. In my reading about chili peppers, I remembered reading about wearing gloves to prevent the oils from getting into your skins and burning them...much like was happening now.

Back to Google to discover that baby powder helps ease the burning. However, I was not to have contact with any other skin to avoid painful burning. I immediately got frustrated.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I really have to pee."

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh dear...I really needed to start the day out giggling and I hope you don't mind that I found all this funny.

As a general rule (you may have learned this while googling) peppers get hotter as they get smaller.

I hope you did manage to...um... take care of your bodily needs.

You know....I never connect my Carl's preference to soy milk with his sexuality. Now I will have to start questioning the others...

9:27 AM  
Blogger Bacchus said...

Oh poor guy! I hope it all worked out well and you didn't spread it any farther.

I had a similar incident in college with a liniment for sore muscles. It went on nice and cool and began to burn to sooth the muscles. I thought I had gotten it all off my hands but must have missed some. I found out the hard way.

Hope all is well.

10:52 PM  
Blogger Lola and Ava said...

The first time that you make salsa with your glasses on and then decide that today really is a contacts kind of day is that last time that you do it. I think that was the day the girls learned a wide array of curse words and phrases as I stomped my way from the bathroom to the bedroom crying in pain.

4:04 PM  
Blogger Kara said...

It really is a good thing you didn't rub your eyes. Or, um, anything else. I rubbed my eyes after eating sushi once only to discover I had some wasabi residue on my fingers. yowza.

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I have had two bad experiences with hot pepper residue. One time I took out my contacts. That really sucked. Another time (I apologize for TMI, but it really is relevant) I put in a tampon.

I really don't recommend it.

Also, I didn't know that gay people didn't have normal dairy products around the house. When I come over for the pork/tomatillo/green apple/pepper dish would it be good form to bring a gallon of milk for a host gift?

If it isn't a secret tell Larry I would love a copy of his recipe.

11:58 AM  

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