Can You Hear Me Now?

Anyone who knows me, understands I'm generally not a fan of customer service. I LOVE going to stores that have self-check outs. If I can do it online, all the better. I will honestly choose one vendor over another if I can accomplish the task without risking the anger or disappointment of having to deal with a human being.

Sadly, my cell phone provider is that not tech-savvy.

I've been with Verizon almost two years. The main reason I switched was that they have exclusive service in our Metro system. I've had less dropped calls since and they also offer the "talk to other Verizon customers without using minutes" set-up.

However, the phone could only hold an hour charge at this point. I had a feeling it was the battery and was hoping to hold out until my contract renewed and I could get another phone. No such luck. I just couldn't take any longer.

So I took a co-worker and we went to the Verizon store. I had been dreading this visit since those stores usually have a huge wait to get service. Not this time. We walked right in and there was only one customer in the store.

This store has three distinct areas; the sales area, customer service and technical support. The sole customer was in the tech line, where I was pretty certain I was to go. However, I also thought that maybe... just maybe, Verizon would allow me to sign another two-year contract and just get my new phone early. However, I didn't know exactly when my contract expired.

Since no one was in line, I walked up to customer service. There was a larger woman sitting there, turned around in her chair, talking with co-worker who was fumbling with something at the back counter. She clearly saw me, but kept talking. About three minutes pass and I notice a service kiosk where customers can sign in to be queued up for one of the three areas. I thought it would be a good idea to get 'in line' for tech but still ask her my contract question.
I signed in and returned to her line. She finally acknowledged my presence with the roll of her eyes as she spun around.

"Did you sign up at the kiosk?" she asks.

Fuck me. It doesn't take long for me to get sarcastic. In this case, just seconds. "You just saw that I did. The kiosk is five feet from you. But I still have a quick question?"

Another roll of the eyes. "What?"

"If it's not a bother, I'm trying to see when my contract ends. I think I have battery issue and I thought that maybe I could just renew my contract and get a new phone."

Fat fingers type. My contract, it seems, expires in early June. "So is it possible to sign up early for another two year?" I ask.

"As I said, it expires in June." she said firmly.

"Seriously, I understand the calendar lesson. What I'm asking is if you let people renew early."

She let her whole body sigh as if exasperated buy our brief conversation. "I'm telling you that you can't."

Ignorance is my friend. "No, what you told me twice was that my contract expired in June. That told me nothing about renewing early."

With that the tech line opened and I moved over without saying another word. The gentleman there listened as I explained the battery situation and offered to test the phone to see if it actaully was the battery or the whole phone. Since there were a few other phones being tested, I was to return in 15 minutes. Just enough time for a Starbucks next door.

Upon returning, the same man greeted with a "May I help you?" I looked surprised. "Yes, I was just in here and you're testing my phone. "

"Oh.... I guess it's in the back."

(For the love of all things holy, where are they getting these people?)

Three minutes later, he appears. "Ummm, well...we tested it and ... well, it's not working."

"Could you be more specific? That was the whole reason I brought it in. "

"Well, there are things that... the phone just won't... it's..." It was like he was trying to tell me fatal news and just couldn't figure how to deliver it gently. "Let me get the woman from the back. She can explain it much better."

A young woman appeared. "Yes sir, what I can I do for you?" Clearly this was Verizon's greatest mistake in not having this a woman deal directly with the customers.

"The gentleman can't seem to grasp all the problems with the phone."

She looked over at him and then at me. "It needs a new battery."

I looked back at him. "What part of that didn't you understand?"

The woman walked away and he & I looked at each other for a good thirty seconds until he said, "What?"

"Well, obviously, I need to buy a new battery. Can you ring one up?"

He looked confused. "I'm not sure." Then he turned to fat woman, who sat just on the other side a six-inch wall, pretending not to have heard any part of this conversation "Can I ring something at this register?" he asked her.

She looked at me and said, "Well, what are you trying to do?"

"For the love of God, all I want is a freaking battery." (I really did say freaking, but it was all could do not to scream at them.)

The guy then leaned over and said, "Do you have the battery?"

"Yes, you see, I'm the Flash (which actually I am) and while you and Miss Helpful were deciding if you have super-register powers, I walked through your store, automatically figured out which of your 300 batteries fits my phone and came back to patiently wait for one of you to comprehend how to actually ring up a sale."

From across the room, my articulate battery tester holds up a battery in her hands and motions for me to come to sales. "He'll be happy to ring you up here," she says.

As I approach her and prepare to pay, I just sigh. "Those folks are morons. Seriously, they couldn't sell me air if I needed it. "

Without hesitation, she replied, "That's why they are in customer service."