Weekend Update

The Tomato Fairy
The tooth is out! Corey lost it the other day and as expected, he insisted his vegetables be delivered as he slept. His moms convinced him that the tooth fairy preferred to bring cash and he seemed pleased with the silver dollar the next morning.

Stop or Yield
Some of my classes have been frustrating, but after two weeks, I still have no idea what I'm doing in Managerial Finance. My head has never been one for forward yields & interest rates or bonds & securities, so this class is just killing me. I am struggling to grasp such concepts as why the consumer price index helps measure inflation and the growth rate of dividends.

This is one of our problems for the week:
Determine both the yield-to-maturity and the yield-to-call for an 11.75% (payable semi-annual) US Treasury bond that matures in seven years, callable in two, and is priced at 115.17 per $100 par. Which yields should an investor expect and why? WTF?

I told Larry my answer was $500.

"How did you get that?" he asked.
"That's how much we pay our financial advisor a year to figure those things out."

Luckily, the class has four open-book/open-note tests. Maybe I'll be able to pass that way.

What's in a Name?
A sales person called the other day. "Can I speak with Steven Washington ____?"
ME: "I am Steven _____ but my middle name isn't Washington."
HIM: "Really? The phone directory lists your middle name as Washington."
ME: "Don't you think it would be weird for me to live in Washington if that was my middle name?
HIM: "Hey, I just make the calls. I didn't name you."

Tone Deaf
I renewed my phone contract this week and got a new cell. For the first time, I am able to download ring tones. Damn, is that cool...and making my cell phone bill slightly more expensive. I've wasted a good couple hours surfing through various songs in search of my perfect ring tone.

Do you realize how personal a ring tone is? This reflects who you are to the world every time the phone rings. I'm struggling to find a song that works well and won't humiliate me if it rings on the Metro or accidentally in class. It would be awkward to be in a room with our CEO and have my pocket scream out "Will the real slim Shady please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?" or "Is my body too bootylicious for ya?"

Contest time!

More (cheap ass, custom-violating) shit from Vietnam. Help me pick a ring tone.

A couple thoughts to keep in mind:

1. I've picked four individual rings already so don't choose one of them.

• I Melt With You for Larry
• Living on a Prayer & Born to be My Baby for Stephanie and Rebecca
• Jungleland for Jenni

2. I love 80's, pop, rock, and alternative music. PLEASE don't choose opera, industrial heavy metal (sorry Sarah), blues, hip-hop, new age, etc.

3. I'm gay and I love my life but let's try to avoid the stereotypical stuff: ABBA, Barbra, Celine, Pet Shop Boys, Ricky Martin (yeah, dude, you're gay) and the Village People. And as much as I enjoy Broadway tunes, those are out as well.

4. You can suggest as many songs as you want.

My life is in your hands people. Be kind.
By March 30, I will announce the winner.

New Email

For some reason, my email address hasn't been working. I bought the hygienechronicles.com domain name a few years ago and the email service seems to be pretty sporadic.

So I'm moving to gmail since the "recaps" one has become more than irritating at this point. You can snag the new gmail one off this page: http://www.blogger.com/profile/12020142087227196082 or if I know your email, look for a an email from me soon.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

And if I don't have your email (cough--Dad Stuff--cough) , feel free to drop me a line.

If Ian can do it...

So last week I was reading Sarah's blog and saw this.

Sonabitch. Three year olds are playing with the game I want the most. And they are jamming out to Shout at the Devil.

Well, it's Father's Day and I decided that it's best to take matters into your own hands. Guess who went to Best Buy last night?

Let me introduce you to DC's newest Guitar Hero! For two hours last night, I was Shouting at the Devil, putting the Message in the Bottle, and Surrendering my Heart-Shaped Box. I was, well frankly, amazing. It only took me 45 minutes to hook the entire system together. But once it was...lightening came from these fingertips.

And how do I feel this morning? My fingers really fucking hurt from hitting the keys so hard. :) Damn, I'm getting old.

Watch out Claudia, I'm going to blast you out the water!


May you all become Guitar Heroes this Father's Day.

Modem Operandi

Well, the damn thing is working as you can tell. Verizon sent my new modem which was about 1/4 of the size of the last one (from 2002). Pretty soon those things will be the size of a dime.

I plugged all the wires and cables and ...nothing. The only screen I had said I must reactivate the account which should only take 15 minutes. (For the love of all things holy and good, I hate this company.)

Midway through the activation process, it freezes and gives me the tech support phone number. I dial and figure that I could get a few hours of sleep before connecting to someone, however much to my surprise a very nice woman comes on the line. For all my troubles, let me just say that Verizon has some of the nicest tech support people. (Verizon---you need to pay them more.)

We spent the equivalent of a first date together with neither of us having felt the slightest bit violated. She walked me through everything until we talked about passwords.

"What password are you using?" she asked.

"The one the guy gave me last week when we discovered the modem was broken."

"Hmmm, our passwords are only good for 24 hours. I think we found the problem."

"Thank God. My fans were getting restless. I write a blog and everyone was really missing me. I promise to write good things about you tonight."

"Great. Just make me younger...and single."

Our first date and she's already leaving me for another guy.

Random Nothings

Disconnected
My modem at home conked out. It kept phasing in and out for a few weeks. All of sudden I wouldn't have Internet access and there would be a screen saying "you have a billing error". First, I yelled at Larry since he's in charge of this bill, but he proved it was being paid. So I would reboot and connect again.

Yesterday morning...nothing. Yesterday night...still nothing. So at 6:00 AM this morning, I called customer service (oxymoron) and after waiting 35 minutes, connected to a person who was able to tell me the problem. We tested everything including creating a new password. He actually wanted me to wake up Larry since "it is Verizon policy to only reveal the password to the primary account holder." I first explained that Larry doesn't even have his own log-in and could do nothing with a new password. Then I explained that I was Larry's partner.

"Partner in what?" he asked.

God help me.

"Partner like as in a wife, but I'm a man." Get it? (I almost said 'like a wife, but with a penis', however 35 minutes is a long time to wait for another tech person.)

"Oh.......I see," he responded.

After 25 minutes, he tells me that the modem is broken. "I can see that through our network."

I sighed heavily. "Ummm... if you can see that through your system, couldn't you be proactive and email or call me to let me know it was broken? Then you could just order me another one."

"No, sir. You'd have to order one through the billing department. Here's their number but they don't open until 9 AM."

Verizon, you could have a monopoly if you only had thinking people.


Moving Out
Our office moves tomorrow so as of Monday, I'll be in the same building I was back with Imagine. This time I'll actually have an office with a window, but I still feel like I need to do another exorcism. The last one I did was with Jennie and Penzy spices. This one might just kick off with bagels and orange juice.

This new building also has a fitness center. I'm going to definitely be hitting that....for at least the first week or so.


Getting the Boot
Melinda Doolittle voted off? Another reason why I'm glad I stopped watching American Idol this season. (OK, I did watch LaKisha's and Melinda's performances on YouTube the next day. Sue me.) I'm just getting tired of America being so stupid.


We Finally Meet
Due to the move, I'm only working a few hours tomorrow. And then... I have lunch with Sarah. It's like meeting a legend.


Don't look for much from me this weekend. With no modem or office, I'm destined to be at coffee shops or stealing wireless from the neighbors.

We Don't Need Another Hero

That one guitar, felt good in his hands
Didn't take long, to understand
Just one guitar, slung way down low
Was his one way ticket, only one way to go

This weekend, I was introduced to a new way of life; a foreign land that I had only read about. I had been part of this world once before...many years earlier before becoming old and jaded. My heart was freer then and I could slow down and savor the joys of new opportunities. I was young...I was innocent...I was... the gamer.

This past weekend, at what should have been a playdate for my son, I was chatting with my friend's husband. They had recently moved into their house and were slowly settling in. Their three year had claimed much of the house with his toys, books and videos. The buzz of battery operated machines occupied much of their new home...including the basement.

He took me down to the room where little kids were forbidden without the company of the big kids. There in the corner, sat a 50" flat-screen, HiDef TV. And next to it sat the machine that has forever taunted me; PlayStation II.

I am a joystick man. Perhaps I should use past tense; I was a joystick man. Atari was my game of choice. I was the master at Asteroids. One time I had played for over 5 hours straight until my brother tripped over the cords when he went to the bathroom. I mean, who can think of peeing at a time like that?

Fast forward to 2007. A plasma TV beckoning me to engage it with the idle Playstation II laying at its feet. The problem; that fucking controller. It has more buttons than an upholstery store. I couldn't embarrass myself with that. I tried to explain my problem. The man just smiled.

He walked to the closet and returned with...the guitar. He said, "We're not going to play golf or racing. We're playing Guitar Heroes."

This is what wet dreams are made of; a chance to jam like Slash or Mick Mars. In seconds, he had the track list up for me to choose which song I was going to grace Springfield, VA with as I magically connected with this instrument.

I looked over as I imagined the smoke filled room packed with screaming fans.

"We're going all fucking out. Sweet Child of Mine, for fucks sake."

He looked over. "Dude, you're standing in the middle of Thomas the Tank Engine set. Relax on the language."

"Okay, sorry" I said aloud, but my mind was saying. "Shut the fuck up and turn the fucker on."

The initial notes rang out as I watched a twenty-something, long-haired, tattooed rocker--the mirror image of me--finely pick the notes. Meanwhile, I began struggling to connect three fingers to green, yellow and blue buttons.

Umm, the song isn't sounding so great. It seems that if one misses the notes on the guitar, they subsequently don't play in the song.

Pretty soon, there is grumbling and boos coming from the TV. "What the fuck is that?" I ask.

"Dude, it's interactive. They are booing you because... well, because...let me put it a way you can understand it... you fucking suck."

The song stops midway and I am booed off stage. Me. The guy who saw Poison three times.

"They aren't going fuck with me. I'm doing it again."

This time I made it through the whole song. Two cuts later, I completed it with a 'good' standing. Then I went on to Cherry Pie and succeeded with that. (OK, I got booed off the first time then too.) Then it was Shout at the Devil followed by Heart Shaped Box.

Nothing could stop me. I was going to jam forever. Fans were grabbing at my pants begging...

"Daddy, move. I wanna play with Thomas."

And that one guitar made his whole life change

Can You Hear Me Now?

Anyone who knows me, understands I'm generally not a fan of customer service. I LOVE going to stores that have self-check outs. If I can do it online, all the better. I will honestly choose one vendor over another if I can accomplish the task without risking the anger or disappointment of having to deal with a human being.

Sadly, my cell phone provider is that not tech-savvy.

I've been with Verizon almost two years. The main reason I switched was that they have exclusive service in our Metro system. I've had less dropped calls since and they also offer the "talk to other Verizon customers without using minutes" set-up.

However, the phone could only hold an hour charge at this point. I had a feeling it was the battery and was hoping to hold out until my contract renewed and I could get another phone. No such luck. I just couldn't take any longer.

So I took a co-worker and we went to the Verizon store. I had been dreading this visit since those stores usually have a huge wait to get service. Not this time. We walked right in and there was only one customer in the store.

This store has three distinct areas; the sales area, customer service and technical support. The sole customer was in the tech line, where I was pretty certain I was to go. However, I also thought that maybe... just maybe, Verizon would allow me to sign another two-year contract and just get my new phone early. However, I didn't know exactly when my contract expired.

Since no one was in line, I walked up to customer service. There was a larger woman sitting there, turned around in her chair, talking with co-worker who was fumbling with something at the back counter. She clearly saw me, but kept talking. About three minutes pass and I notice a service kiosk where customers can sign in to be queued up for one of the three areas. I thought it would be a good idea to get 'in line' for tech but still ask her my contract question.
I signed in and returned to her line. She finally acknowledged my presence with the roll of her eyes as she spun around.

"Did you sign up at the kiosk?" she asks.

Fuck me. It doesn't take long for me to get sarcastic. In this case, just seconds. "You just saw that I did. The kiosk is five feet from you. But I still have a quick question?"

Another roll of the eyes. "What?"

"If it's not a bother, I'm trying to see when my contract ends. I think I have battery issue and I thought that maybe I could just renew my contract and get a new phone."

Fat fingers type. My contract, it seems, expires in early June. "So is it possible to sign up early for another two year?" I ask.

"As I said, it expires in June." she said firmly.

"Seriously, I understand the calendar lesson. What I'm asking is if you let people renew early."

She let her whole body sigh as if exasperated buy our brief conversation. "I'm telling you that you can't."

Ignorance is my friend. "No, what you told me twice was that my contract expired in June. That told me nothing about renewing early."

With that the tech line opened and I moved over without saying another word. The gentleman there listened as I explained the battery situation and offered to test the phone to see if it actaully was the battery or the whole phone. Since there were a few other phones being tested, I was to return in 15 minutes. Just enough time for a Starbucks next door.

Upon returning, the same man greeted with a "May I help you?" I looked surprised. "Yes, I was just in here and you're testing my phone. "

"Oh.... I guess it's in the back."

(For the love of all things holy, where are they getting these people?)

Three minutes later, he appears. "Ummm, well...we tested it and ... well, it's not working."

"Could you be more specific? That was the whole reason I brought it in. "

"Well, there are things that... the phone just won't... it's..." It was like he was trying to tell me fatal news and just couldn't figure how to deliver it gently. "Let me get the woman from the back. She can explain it much better."

A young woman appeared. "Yes sir, what I can I do for you?" Clearly this was Verizon's greatest mistake in not having this a woman deal directly with the customers.

"The gentleman can't seem to grasp all the problems with the phone."

She looked over at him and then at me. "It needs a new battery."

I looked back at him. "What part of that didn't you understand?"

The woman walked away and he & I looked at each other for a good thirty seconds until he said, "What?"

"Well, obviously, I need to buy a new battery. Can you ring one up?"

He looked confused. "I'm not sure." Then he turned to fat woman, who sat just on the other side a six-inch wall, pretending not to have heard any part of this conversation "Can I ring something at this register?" he asked her.

She looked at me and said, "Well, what are you trying to do?"

"For the love of God, all I want is a freaking battery." (I really did say freaking, but it was all could do not to scream at them.)

The guy then leaned over and said, "Do you have the battery?"

"Yes, you see, I'm the Flash (which actually I am) and while you and Miss Helpful were deciding if you have super-register powers, I walked through your store, automatically figured out which of your 300 batteries fits my phone and came back to patiently wait for one of you to comprehend how to actually ring up a sale."

From across the room, my articulate battery tester holds up a battery in her hands and motions for me to come to sales. "He'll be happy to ring you up here," she says.

As I approach her and prepare to pay, I just sigh. "Those folks are morons. Seriously, they couldn't sell me air if I needed it. "

Without hesitation, she replied, "That's why they are in customer service."

Things that irritate me about Blogger

#1 Why were my margins like 2 inches on each side? I don't need that much gutter-space. I increased it today but tell me if you have to scroll back & forth to read it. You shouldn't have to suffer for my beauty. (Well, in theory, you should, but I won't make you this time.)

#2 Now when you add tags on old posts, it 'lists' them as new on the RSS feeds. Sorry if you're reading shit and it seems like it happens months ago. It probably did.

#3. Why would you EVER want to turn comments off? Isn't that what we all live for? Thanks to Whit, I discovered no one could comment on my last post about 80's hard rock. And seriously, who wouldn't want to comment on that?

Thanks for listening.

Admitting Ignorance=Help from Friends

Thanks to Chag and Kelly who know have perfected the Hygiene Chronicles redirect. You both are the best!

This is what I love best about our blogging community.

Admitting Ignorance

OK, someone help me with an HTML problem.

I own www.hygienechronicles.com which I used have balance my blog and American Idol updates. Since I've closed shop on the AI updates, I want to take that domain and make it point directly to the blog. Then you could type either the current URL or the purchased domain. Simple, right?

Can anyone help an ignorant guy over here?

MISSING: Bloglines (Part II)

Who says I can't dump a companion quicker than you can say Goggle Reader?

Bloglines.. is history. I tested out Google Reader thanks to the recommendations of some kind and faithful readers. I have to say in just a week, I love it.

Truthfully, it was a bit difficult. In theory , Bloglines will help you export your listing, but the button is neatly tucked away in the bottom left hand panel (under all your blog listings). Took me ten minutes to locate it since they said it was at the top. It'll convert your blog list to an OPML file which Google Reader can then import. And if you've created different categories for them, it will preserve them as well.

It has a lot of features that are so much better, the best of which is that it's a helluva lot easier with a bigger font size than Bloglines. Another great thing is that you can read a post and still keep it "unread" if you want to go back to it. That helps identify which posts you'd like to go back and comment on later.

See ya Bloglines. Wish I could say it's been fun, but you gave up on me first.