Friday, April 07, 2006

A Pinch Between the Cheek and Gums

I hate the dentist. It’s not that I’m afraid of him or that it’s painful. On the contrary, it’s kind of relaxing for me just to lie there and do nothing. Anyone who knows me can vouch that I can’t really sit still.

But I hate the fluoride treatment. It’s repulsive. It’s like swishing chlorine around your mouth for two minutes. I also hate that intensive teeth brushing they do. Why not stick a miniature shoe polisher in my mouth that spits up pieces of toothpaste all over you. When I pointed this out to the hygienist, she said, “That’s why I put the bib on you.

Oh, so this 12-inch paper towel is supposed to protect my shirt from all that shit that you're spraying? They practically put a rubber snow suit to protect the nads when they take an X-ray, but for 15 minutes of teeth cleaning, I get Bounty, the quicker picker upper.

Worst of all is the same news they deliver each and every time. “Steve, you brush really well and your teeth are great, but you don’t floss.

No secret there. I fucking hate to floss. I have no problem telling anyone that. Even in my interviews, when that person asks you what is your weakest skill, I say flossing. (BTW, it really does break the ice, plus they never re-ask the question… “No, really. What do you suck at? ”)

I think flossing is disgusting. Mostly, I hate what the mirror looks like after you keep flicking pieces of food out of your gums. Where do you think it all lands? Like some oral slingshot, the food get flung across to the mirror, which then looks like the floor did when my son was in a high chair.

So I took the high road. If I had a bumper sticker, it would read, “Keeping mirrors clean by not flossing. ” People would find that funny. Well, all people except Dr. Marx. However, I just figured… what’s he going to do about it, huh?

You need to come in every 4 months so we can get those gums under control, ” he says.

I was stunned. “WHAT!?! You can do that?”

He smiles with his perfect teeth, “I have more power than you think.

But my insurance only pays for a dentist twice a year,.” I reply.

Then don’t come and we’ll do oral surgery on you before your 45.” (Fuck, I hate getting old.)

I instantly turn into some 16-year old asking for car privileges. “Please! Give me one more chance. I can do it. I don’t wanna come back and see that crazy fluoride bitch any more than I already do.

I now have the messiest mirrors this side of 16th street. Damn, I hate the dentist.


Anonymous Genuine said...

I have not been to a dentist appointment yet where the services did'nt cost me less than $2500. No matter the insurance coverage, I always seem to owe $2500 more.

My dentist said I would have false teeth by age 40 if I didnt floss better. Thta was when I was 30, and now I'm 42. Ha! I proved him wrong! God I wished I flossed better.

4:14 PM  
Blogger MotherReader said...

I looove the idea of using the flossing as the weakest skill for a job interview. LOL funny. That's the kind of writing and idea that makes you one of the only parent blogs that I link to. Where are all the funny parents? Do the minivans just suck the humor out of them? Anyway, thanks for the laugh.

11:50 AM  
Anonymous samantha said...

Try flossing in the shower. That's where I have to brush my teeth b/c we have one of those nasty electric tooth brushes that sprays shit everywhere. Plus I hate gunky mirrors. Just a thought.

7:39 PM  

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